Courage and Hope

Frodo: “I can’t do this, Sam…”

Sam: “I know… It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here… But we are… It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the ending, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened. But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come and when the sun shines it’ll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr Frodo, I do understand… I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only the didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding onto something…

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr Frodo… And it’s worth fighting for.

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It feels like dark days. Hurricanes, fires, earthquakes, civil wars, ethnic cleansing, genocide, threats of nuclear war, refugee crises. Not to mention some 800,000 frightened young people in the US wondering what their fate will be because of decisions made when they were too young to decide for themselves and an administration that shows so little compassion for so many in my country.

This week I am meeting with a friend whose child recently died of an overdose. I am so sad and at such a loss as to what to say. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. Or not saying the right thing. But I will show up and do my best and it will have to be enough. If she can have the courage to face the world in her unimaginable grief, I can at least find the courage to face her and her grief with love and a shoulder to cry on or an ear ready to listen.

I’m hanging on to the good stories of kindness.  Like the people in my area who came together to donate several tractor-trailer loads full of pet and livestock supplies for the Houston area animals in need. And the story of the Yemeni women who risk their lives going door-to-door in their communities to teach people about how to prevent and treat cholera in war-torn Yemen. And the people standing up and speaking out about DACA here in the US. And all of the first responders and firefighters saving lives from floods and fires and earthquakes. And the many people who already gave generously to the victims of Harvey, asking where they can give more to those in the path of Irma.

Truly, there is quite a bit of good in this world, as Samwise Gamgee states, and now is not the time to succumb to despair. Now is the time to find our courage and keep faith that brighter days are ahead. Now is the time to be a light in the world for others so they can see the goodness in the world too. I’ve been girding myself with stories and poems and friends, making art and serving others. I never feel prepared to face all of this daily horror, but with courage I face it anyway, despite my instinctive desire to turn away and pretend it’s not happening. Courage, I’m finding, keeps me looking ahead and moving forward.

Re-Learning How to Not Give a F*ck

So it’s been a while, dear blog.  I’m in the process of reorganizing my schedule and priorities.  Again.

My twenties were devoted to discovering my identity and now my thirties are all about trying to juggle everything in life.  I’m a terrible, terrible juggler; literally and metaphorically.  And it’s even harder when I’m clinging to a bunch of unrealistic expectations.  I got stuck in that headspace of “Oh my god, I’m so insanely busy!” and it’s an awful place to be, let me tell you. (Or maybe you know it too?)

I read a funny and helpful little book recently called The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck, by Sarah Knight.  It’s a bit of a parody on Marie Kondo’s The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.  Knight doesn’t make fun of Kondo’s book though, she writes about what a person can do after their home has been tidied and they’re ready to tackle the rest of life.  I needed to hear what she had to say about how crazy it is to do things out of a false sense of obligation and guilt.

“Not giving a fuck—crucially—means releasing yourself from the worry, anxiety, fear, and guilt associated with saying no, allowing you to stop spending time you don’t have with people you don’t like doing things you don’t want to do.” – The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck

(She did a fun TED talk too.  Warning: lots of F-bombs if that’s not your thing!)

The gist of her advice is that life is short and we have a limited amount of time/energy/money to spend on things and people, so why waste those precious resources?  It’s not about not giving a fuck at all (Knight explains this is a perfect recipe for turning into a self-absorbed asshole), but allocating one’s fucks to the things that truly matter to us and politely declining the rest.   I know this probably seems pretty “duh” but sometimes a little “duh” is required to shake me out of a rut.  I’ve been making some decisions since reading her book that have felt pretty good.

For example, I decided to leave a committee at my church that I had faithfully devoted three years to, all the while dreading the work because it involves public speaking and I HATE public speaking  with the fire of a thousand suns.  I’m glad I challenged myself to step out of my comfort zone and try it, but it’s time to admit that this just ain’t my cuppa tea.  So I’m finishing my final commitment next week and then emailing the group a graciously worded resignation.

I’ve also resolved to pull back on giving so much of my time and money to the local animal rescue organization I’m involved with.  It’s hard because they’re a wonderful group and their needs are so great, but the truth is that I can’t single-handedly save them, no matter how much I wish I could.  If I throw everything I’ve got into their cause, other areas of my life suffer and their needs will still be there.  I have to keep reminding myself that what I do is enough and I shouldn’t feel guilty.

I’ve also started paring down my social media intake.  It was stuffed with current events and things that were supposed to be inspirational, but ultimately just left me feeling inadequate and anxious.  I still want to stay current with world events and read about cool stuff people are doing, but just in less overwhelming doses.

There’s a bunch of other stuff too.  Like I’m coming to grips with the fact that I’m not a Type A personality that thrives on a packed schedule.  I work a full-time job, care for my home and family and I do a little volunteering on the side, leaving time to care for myself and enjoy the occasional lazy afternoon nap.

It’s enough.  I’m enough.  My hope is that if I keep repeating that to myself, eventually I’ll believe it.

So Long, 2016

And don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.  Jerk.  ‘Nuff said.

I haven’t made much progress with my little list of goals from October. Healthy practices are still sporadic and I’ve undoubtedly gained a couple more pounds over the holidays (at least it feels like it when I put my pants on, I’m not ready to face the scale). Oh well. Happy to say that the animal rescue volunteering gig is going really well and I have been making time for books and poetry. So there’s that.

I am making a couple of changes in the new year.  First, we’re signing up our little problem child (a.k.a. the rescue dog we got in August of 2015 that still, incidentally, hates my husband) for a special training course for shy and frightened dogs.  Hopefully we can make some more headway.

Second, we’re hiring a house cleaner. I’m still feeling a bit weird about it because while it’s common in my hometown to hire someone to clean your home or cut your grass, it’s not done much out here. The husband has been advocating for it for a couple of years, but I’ve resisted because of reasons having to do with complicated feelings of guilt. I’m kind of looking forward to outsourcing my most hated chores, but at the same time I’m still a little uncomfortable with the idea. I may write more about this later, it’s just…eh, I’m having a hard time putting my thoughts into words about it now.

October Plans

So my internet access at home is restricted to small devices, which makes it difficult for me to write blog posts.  I am writing this at the end of my lunch break at the office.  Thus concludes my excuse for not updating more often.

Some things I’d like to focus on as the weather turns cold…

• Finding my way back to healthier eating habits, regular exercise and perhaps some of my favorite clothes that are, sadly, too snug now.  😦
• Getting the hang of my new volunteer duties at the animal rescue.  (kitties!)
• Paying off some leftover credit card debt from vacation.
• Committing to meditating and journaling more often.  Currently both activities can only be described as “sporadic.”
• Getting the house more tidy and organized.  (It’s driving me nuts.)
• Spending more of my downtime doing things that make me happy like quilting/crafting and reading good books.  Especially poetry.

I was tempted to add on “taking a yoga class,” but I think that’s ambitious enough for now, yes?  I may come back to yoga in the spring and see how I feel about it.

Alaska

Vacation accomplished and I am happy to return to my bed and familiar routines.  I caught a bug on the way home and have been sick all week with a fever and bronchitis- this probably explains why I haven’t gotten the post-trip blues.  There is nothing like sleeping in your own bed when you don’t feel well.

I visited Alaska with my husband and a bunch of my family.  We did a cruise for the first half- I had never cruised before so it was an interesting experience.  Also, a good way to accommodate eight travelers spanning three generations with a wide range of physical abilities.  I’m not ready to pack in my wanderlust to become a cruise fanatic, but I could see myself doing it again if it was for a family trip.  And the Alaskan coastline was very beautiful from my balcony.

View from my balcony in Glacier Bay, Alaska.

Cruising through Glacier Bay and doing some (very) light hiking in Denali National Park were the highlights.  I had an unexpectedly close encounter with a Grizzly bear (about 100 feet away and safely on a shuttle bus at the park’s entrance).  The poor thing looked rather bewildered when it wandered onto the road and stopped traffic.  Some helpful park rangers hurriedly encouraged it back into the forest and away from the hapless tourists watching with their coffees and iPhones in the adjacent parking lot.  Alas, no pictures.  I took very few photos, mostly just enjoyed myself and made memories.

Little Things

Life is busy and stressful (but in many good ways).  I’ll admit I’m not taking care of myself as I should be.  Eating habits are crap, haven’t exercised regularly in months, gaining weight & feeling tired.  I’m not in the right head-space to revamp my entire routine as we prepare for a very busy August of visitors and traveling.  I’m trying to slow down a little bit though and enjoy the small pleasures life can offer.

For as much work as it is, I’m fully enjoying repainting the living room and dining room.  When we moved here I was struggling with the achingly long, gloomy winters.  I wanted that area of the house to feel cozy and den-like so I chose a warm brown for the walls, then spent many a winter wrapped in a blanket, hibernating on the sofa with a book or some sewing.

Last year we replaced our old green sofa set with another gently-used brown set (I make a point to never buy furniture if I can help it, eventually someone in the family gets rid of something we’ll happily use) and the brown-on-brown is too much.  So the walls are now a pale, icy blue that looks very fresh and bright.

I’m outside with the dogs every day enjoying the warm weather.  During the heat of the day we head down to a shady spot by the creek.  I relax on the sandy bank while the dogs splash around in the shallows.  This month there have been these lovely damselflies fluttering around the water- I looked them up out of curiosity and adore their name: ebony jewelwings.  Here’s a picture courtesy of wikipedia.

In the cooler evenings the dogs and I walk along the creek and listen to the green frogs (they sound like someone plucking a rubber band) and the grey tree frogs (they have eardrum shattering calls if you happen to stand very close to one, they have a high-pitched trilling sound that, to my ear, sounds like some exotic bird).  We’ve been observing the green sunfish building and guarding their little rock nests in the shallows and occasionally spot our resident great blue heron pass through.

I’m reading a lot too, mostly poetry and books about people doing wonderful things with their lives to make the world a little bit better.  I have a number of books on my to-read list, but haven’t had the taste for anything dark or moody this summer (the news has been providing enough of that).  I also listen to dharma talks and podcasts (my favorites are NPR’s Radiolab and On Being).

I’m also tentatively trying to establish a small meditation practice.  Again, no major life changes, just making a point to sit quietly and focus on my breath for a couple of minutes each day.  I’m finding it relaxing and helpful.

Look For The Helpers

I know that the news tends to focus on all of the awful stuff happening in the world.  Bad news sells better than good news, a sad fact.  But the past few weeks have felt particularly jarring, haven’t they?  So much violence and fear hitting so close to home.

I’ve become quite fond of this quote from Mr. Rogers:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping.” … I did, and I came to see that the world is full of doctors and nurses, police and firemen, volunteers, neighbors and friends who are ready to jump in to help when things go wrong…To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers- so many caring people in this world.”

When I read the news, I make an effort now to remember that in every crisis, there are folks helping; first responders, good samaritans, medical staff, therapists, activists, volunteers, members of the community who support the wounded and grieving with meals and visits, and everyday people around the world who take time to lay flowers or donate money or just send sincere good wishes to those who were harmed.

It’s amazing how much damage a single person can do, but it’s equally amazing to me how many more people will respond with kindness and courage.  I truly believe that while there are certainly a good number of people who would see others hurt or killed for whatever reason, they are overwhelmingly outnumbered by those who are decent and just trying navigate their way through this complicated, challenging world.  And that gives me hope.

The Lutheran minister Nadia Bolz-Weber recently did a sermon titled: Why it is The Parable of the Merciful Samaritan and not the Parable of the Robbers.  Christian theology isn’t really my cup of tea anymore, but her musings on lovingkindness and compassion resonated deeply.  She said:

“So by all means let us name evil for what it is, let’s root out the sin and racism within us, let us fight for justice, but then let us turn the cameras toward the light, lest we become so consumed by the effects of evil that we miss the chance to be kind to a stranger, and we miss the chance to stop and read to our kids and we miss the chance to notice how acts of beauty and kindness out number acts of evil by the thousands, because in so doing we hand evil a bigger victory than it earned when in fact it has already lost.”

While I was musing on this topic early today, I was listening to some TED talks and one in particular hit close to home.  Gill Hicks, who survived the 2005 London bombings and had both legs amputated, could have emerged from her ordeal bitter and frightened.  But she didn’t.  The fact that she took such a horrific experience and chose to find lessons of love within it is very beautiful.  The love she found isn’t soppy and soft, it’s a fearless kind of love.  Gill Hicks is clearly made of sterner stuff and I admire her.

 

 

Driving Out The Darkness

Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. once said “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” and I believe it.  I have to believe it because to believe otherwise leaves too much room for despair in my head.

It’s been an overwhelming few weeks and I know it’s left a lot of people who are tuned into what’s going on in the world feeling tired and sad.  I’m sick to my soul of hearing about the election, rape cases, mass shootings, gun debates, the refugee crisis, terrorism, discrimination against the LGBT community and people of color, on and on and on.  So much anger and suffering. There’s a fine line between staying abreast of the news and letting the 24/7 media access become overwhelming.

T. Thorn Coyle recently posted a lovely quote on her wall: “It’s still a world with plums in it, my loves, & chamomile & lipstick & cellos. It’s still a world with us in it. Find a hand & hold on.” – Elena Rose

And yes, it is indeed still a world with wonderful things and people in it. Now, more than ever, it’s important to appreciate the beauty around us and add as much good to this world as we each can.  John Beckett (Unitarian Universalist, Druid, and polytheist) wrote a wonderful blog post called Go Make The World Better and I agree with him 100%.  We need to take care of ourselves and each other, nourish our souls, speak out for justice and remember that we are not on this earth to fix everything, but we each have a responsibility to do something to leave the place a little better than how we found it.

My weakness during stressful times is to isolate myself and I did that last weekend, choosing to hide under the blankets with a book Sunday morning rather than attend church and process what happened with my faith community.  I’m trying to change that because it might be natural to reflexively shy away from the tough stuff, but it’s not healthy for me.  I need to learn to lean on others a little more instead of pretending that I don’t need anyone.

I hope the people out there who have been paying attention to all the madness and suffering are being kind to themselves and others.  I hope the people who prefer to avoid thinking too much about what’s going on out in the larger world can see the need to pay more attention.  

Find your hope, your courage, your compassion.  Find those things, grab a hand and hold on tight.  We’ll get through these crazy days.

Spring is Here

Spring arrives on the evening that the spring peepers begin to sing.

I grew up several hundred miles east of my current home in a huge, crowded housing development.  It was all carefully cultivated and sterile, not much in the way of nature to be found.  There are things I miss about living in a busier, more affluent area, but I’ve lived in rural western Pennsylvania for ten years now and I’ve come to appreciate the region more.

I never heard spring peepers back home.  They’re wonderful little chorus frogs that freeze solid in the mud come winter, then thaw and sing their mating song on the first warm night in early March.  Thousands of their little voices all trilling together, I always smile when I hear them.

Early spring visitors also include red-winged blackbirds with their distinctive song and squabbling blue jays (who hang around all winter at my bird feeders, but remain quiet until spring).  Hawks are out in force now.  The muskrats scamper up and down the banks of the creek.  Little spiders crawl through the grass and gnats gather in small mating swarms.  Chipmunks and squirrels are starting to venture out of their nests.  The moles drive my husband crazy this time of the year as they leave mounds of earth all over the yard.

I try to pay attention to these things.  I grew up with people who didn’t, in a place where nature consisted of our little quarter acre plot of grass that was so carefully fertilized and mowed.

I’m grateful for ten years of room to breathe and the spring peepers.

 

Japan

Drunk kitty in the window of a bar in Osaka.

As mentioned in the previous post, my trip to Japan in October was a blast.  I owe a lot of that to the tour company my dad and I booked with, Samurai Tours.  They provide a variety of small group escorted tours as well as independent and custom packages that essentially take care of the logistics and otherwise leave you to it.

We opted for a tour called Best of Japan and agreed that we got what we paid for- an excellent itinerary to sample the country and top notch service.  Our guides were all wonderful, the food was delicious, and the accommodations were mostly traditional Japanese (i.e. tatami mats and futons) with a few nights at Western hotels (i.e. respite for my back).  A big part of our positive experience also came from our group- there were 15 of us in all and everyone was very upbeat, adventurous, and flexible throughout the 2 weeks.

I will say, the toughest part for me was the onsen, which is a gender-segregated communal bathing facility or hot springs that are a traditional way to relax.  I’m very shy and my first time was a little intimidating because I was the only westerner in the bath, but I was surprised how quickly I got used to it!  There were plenty of signs explaining how things were done and our guide gave us a funny pep talk to encourage us to try it.  I just wish my tolerance for heat was higher because I could only soak for a couple minutes before I started to resemble a boiled lobster and had to get out.  😀  I might do a separate post about onsen another time, it’s really something to try if you’re in Japan and get the chance.

(I should mention that I’m not paid to say any of this, I just was seriously impressed with Samurai Tours. Your mileage may vary.)

Common area in a traditional inn, know as a ryokan.

Typical accommodations.

The meals were often so pretty it seemed a shame to eat them.

Lively Dotonbori in Osaka.

Takoyaki (octopus balls) are popular and delicious in Osaka.

We visited the ever-controversial Yasukuni shrine and Yushukan war museum during a free day in Tokyo.

Tsukiji Fish Market in Tokyo.

Hokoku-ji Temple in Kamakura.

The giant Tori gate on Miyajima Island.

Atomic Bomb Dome in Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park.

The Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum presented a very sobering and powerful look at the effects of the bomb on the area’s population.

Loved strolling through the huge Okunoin with all of its moss-covered stone monuments and memorials on Mt. Koya.

A mountain of O-Jizo san statues!  Jizo is a popular Japanese bodhisattva (sort of like a Buddhist saint) who watches over expectant mothers, children (especially those who are deceased), and travelers.